This Valentine’s Day
I have a tub of babaganoush, a whole baguette and ‘You’ll Be Sorry When I’m Dead’ by Marieke Hardy at my disposal.
But I do wonder why I’m so alone. And why I’ve never had a partner for longer than a week. I even ask shallowly “Is there something wrong with me?”. And then I realise, yes. Well, to clarify, I know now why I have issues in this area.
I have had an epiphany.
I don’t like romantic relationships with people. It’s as simple as that. I don’t like the feeling of being trapped (especially with a man), and linked to someone for a long period of time (or a short period for that matter). It makes me feel ill.
And I know why. And it’s so cliché.
My parents split up when I was sixteen/seventeen. That’s around the time most people start having their first relationships. And I’m only just realising now how profoundly their splitting up affected me. I lost all faith in relationships and commitment. I lost faith in my whole identity.
And so I am not going to wallow in the fact that no-one has ever shown much interest in me. That I’m too afraid to commit to anyone and so don’t even try.
So I am going to just have fun. Just be me.
Because that’s all I’ve got.
(Sorry if this sounds really pretentious and self-pitying. I’m feeling very honest and need to get this out.)
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